What Exactly Should I Share With Others?
Sometimes, my family is a mess.
I don’t mean we are physically messy. Basically, we are a very neat group of people. My ex was in the US Army. Messiness did NOT fit with his ethos or with his training overall.
No. I’m not talking physical clutter.
I’m talking about the emotional and spiritual stuff. Sometimes – very frequently, actually – the way we are in private does not match who we are presenting ourselves to be.
We’re not attempting to lie or be dishonest. That’s not the case at all. Still…what happens almost daily is that we only show others that which we want them to see..
…and that side is always rosy, beautiful, fun, and attractive. I think most people do that. But it’s starting to wear on me. That is not how I would like to live. There has got to be a balance between what we present and who we actually are.
Sometimes I Want To Share But Am Not Sure How Much Is Too Much
I am talking about about the days when I want to throw my entire family out the window and go on a permanent vacation. I am talking about the days when I am sure they want to do the same with me.
I always wonder how much – if any – of that to show to people who are seeking to get to know us in business and in faith. People who go into business with you often become as close as family. It’s pretty amazing.
But it’s also tricky.
The past couple of years have been odd for me. I am in that stage of life when nearly everything is a blur.
I have a teenager. I am swiftly approaching the years when fertility is not going to be a consideration anymore, and that still makes me sad. I am not a child, so my concerns are nowhere near childish or immature, but they ARE pressing.
They are all pressing. My mother and father are getting older and I want to prepare for having to take care of them.
Simultaneously, I am prepping for retirement age and dreaming about what the future might be like.
Ultimately, I Guess I am Looking For Like-Minded Community As I Get Older
I mean…can I keep it real? About me? About where I live each and every day?
I mean…I am NOT the girl I used to be, but I am not yet the woman I want to be or WILL be. That much is abundantly clear…
..and most days, it seems like there is entirely too much happening to even remember what it was that I wanted to be when I grew up.
Right now, everyone else’s needs come well before mine…and I don’t always enjoy that fact. I struggle wondering how much is too much to share in my writing because my blog is not just my work; it’s an extension of what makes me me.
Generally speaking, I am a pretty transparent person. I don’t believe secrets help anyone, and I would rather share and ask for help because that makes sense. To me. Still, I don’t ever want to seem like I am complaining. I am not.
I’m just trying to figure it all out. Out loud. LOL!!!
Let’s get one thing straight before I reach the conclusion of this article and make the resolution to follow Christ no matter what, like I usually do. I want to make it plain that my family is AWESOME! They are exactly who God needed me to be born related to so I could grow up and become myself.
I am not saying that I dislike my family or that I have a horrible life.
I don’t to both.
I love my family, and I am grateful for my life.
It’s just the PROCESS of maturing that is getting under my skin.
I’m in that season of life where my parents started becoming discontent with one another, with their stations in life. I’m in that season where (if I were an unsaved man), I’d have a mid-life crisis and do silly things. I have friends who left their families at this stage of life in an effort to “be true” to themselves.
In their desire to get back to who they thought they used to be, they have irrevocably damaged themselves and their families. I know know many people who have destroyed their lives and altered the lives of their children as well.
There is NOTHING in me that wants to do that.
What I do want, however, is space to breathe…just a little room to figure it all out so I don’t find myself “left behind” once my daughter leaves home.
I refuse to become a bitter woman simply because I am going through a season that is designed by God to mature me.
So…that takes me back to my original question: How much is good to share with others as I try to match my public and private personas?
Well…I don’t know. In fact, I have absolutely no idea. All I know is that something will have to give one way or another at some point…
..and until then, I am going to trust God. At the point that it starts to make sense again and beyond, I will trust the Lord. I guess I am starting to accept the fact that I don’t have all of or even most of the answers…and while I would like some relief from what feels like a constant pressure to be there for everyone else but myself, I know that GOD is with me and helping me through each day.
Even with all the frustration I feel on occasion, I know that I am not alone in this journey.
And neither are you.
So…ultimately, I guess it doesn’t matter who knows what about me and my family. It doesn’t matter if I have the community and support that I feel like I need.
In the end, whether I have the support system in place or not, God is more than capable of handling all of my concerns and all the concerns of the entire world at the same time.
And I’m just a woman trying to get through middle age spiritually intact and emotionally healthy. I want to maintain balance in my whole life…and though I absolutely cannot figure it all out right now…
…I know that God has it all figured…
…and He has had it resolved perfectly from the foundations of the world.
That’s all I need to know.
Scripture Reference For The Day
“You have dealt well with your servant, O Lord, according to your word. Teach me good judgment and knowledge, for I believe in your commandments. Before I was afflicted I went astray, but now I keep your word. You are good and do good; teach me your statutes.” Psalm 119: 65-68 (ESV)
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