Warning: This Is Not Brief…Not Even Close!
This article is not brief; nor is it surface. It’s very long and very deep. Please read understanding those two things. Thanks.
No one ever bothered to tell me how challenging life was. For the most part, a rosy picture was painted by both my parents and everyone who knew and loved my family. Every now and then, something would happen to shatter the rosy picture, but for the most part…
…I thought life was simple and easy, and that most people were happy.
Pictures Don’t Tell The Whole Story
What’s funny was that my life wasn’t the least bit happy, and there was little joy, if any. Swiftly-passing days covered most of the hard times.
When I was a toddler, I began to be abused by a close friend of our family. While I have long since forgiven that person, there still has not been a time when I’ve been able to openly dealt with what happened when we were younger.
I tried to bring it up once, but I was too young to do it maturely…
…and the person was not yet prepared for all I needed to say.
I Could Have Won An Oscar For Pretending Life Was Awesome
Like most victims of abuse, I turned the pain inward. I did talk about it, but no one believed me – not when I was in my teens, and not even in my early twenties. I was nearly thirty years old before my mother and I could talk about it. My father and I have never talked about it. Ever.
I doubt we will.
My entire life, I handled that trauma alone, and whatever I did that was rebellious early on was a clear outgrowth of experiencing years of sexual abuse from the age of three until I was eleven years old and I finally stood up for myself.
By the time my Deanna was due to come into the world, I was on a path to almost complete destruction. I battled depression but didn’t know it because sadness was the normal routine for my life. I did not know how to
Before Deanna Was Born, I Was A Mess!
I kept a boyfriend.
I maintained very unhealthy relationships at all times – with everyone.
If I had not been saved by the grace of God alone, I have no clue where I would be right now…probably addicted to drugs or in some other miserable state.
God’s Timing Is Perfect…Even When We Are So, Remarkably Imperfect
Deanna was born at a time that seemed wrong on every side. I wasn’t married and did not want to marry her father. I had left my teaching position at the Hudson School in New Jersey. I had no idea what I was going to do for income. I was lost…
But Deanna was sunshine.
She was light and laughter, strong will wrapped in a smile, and she was exactly what the Lord used to begin to whip me into shape for faith in Christ. Until she was born, I never sacrificed.
I always went for whatever I wanted. I was impatient, rude, loud, and self-centered beyond expression. Deanna brought me to my knees. I thank God for her every, single day.
God Allowed Me To Get Married When Deanna Was Nine Years Old
By the time I got married to my husband in 2006, I was a real adult, and I was prepared for whatever marriage was going to bring. Having been Deanna’s mother for 9 years had strengthened me for any journey.
When I look at her, sometimes, I want to hold onto her so tightly. Life can be dangerous, and people can be really unkind. I give her guidance within boundaries and trust the Lord with the rest.
Even marriage can be a tricky journey. She has watched me and my husband interact, and it is my prayer that she eats the meat and spits out the bones. Each family has it’s own fingerprint. I am grateful that our family has continually trained me to be a better Christian
Me and Deanna at age six, posing for a picture for our church…
This child has my entire heart. I don’t want her to make the same mistakes that I did, and I am loathe to allow the same abuse to happen to her like it did to me when I was a little girl.
So far, so good. God has been gracious to me to answer that prayer and so many others that I have prayed for her.
What It Means To Me to Be A Mother Defies Description
I don’t even have words to describe how great my love is for Deanna, but I am sure that you can see from the pictures that she is the center of our life here on earth. Love doesn’t describe the emotion, the dedication to her, or my fervent desire to see her properly outfitted for the Kingdom of God.
Deanna was born Friday, August 8, 1997 at 10:57am. She broke my heart into a billion pieces when I first saw her. Her scent…her tiny face…I remember it all…and I have spent every day since then trying to be the best mother possible to her.
I Simply Want Deanna To Know God
I want to honor the Lord in what I have done with the girl He gave me.
She’s no longer just mine, though.
My prayer is that she would grow up without the same struggle I had but would instead grow up obedient to God without needless barriers to trusting Him.
I came to love the Lord despite my life. He called me to Him…and I am sober, solid in the relationships I have with almost everyone I encounter, and the massive levels of dysfunction that defined who I was prior to her birth don’t exist now, even though I am still challenged by anyone I love who chooses not to walk in God’s love or peace.
I came to love God despite my life.
I want Deanna to love God because of her hers.
Happy 15th birthday to my Princess. My only prayer is that you walk with God all the days of your life.
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